Fear and Shame will shut you down. Speak up anyway.

I've been doing some deep clearing on childhood fears that still want to run my life.

I’m being gentle with myself as I do this work.

I understand now how traumatized I was by some of those experiences when I was three, or five or even seven. I got scared out of my mind when my grandfather got out his leather belt for a beating, or the preacher in church scared me with hellfire and brimstone and told me I was going to hell ... that's trauma.
That's abuse – approved and systemic abuse.

Today I was digging into some of those early traumas, because the Goddess inspires me to talk about VOICE, and I've been avoiding it.

Right now, I invite you to ask yourself this question I've been asking myself:

What am I afraid will happen if I show up boldly in my full power? What am I afraid of?

I went through this cycle. I am afraid someone will call me out as a fake. I am afraid I will stumble. I am afraid I will screw up and embarrass myself.

Dig deeper. I am afraid am wrong. I am afraid I am being bad. Tooting your own horn, standing out, standing tall, being proud and loud... all forbidden in the family and culture I grew up in.

It all boiled down to I am being BAD. What did I learn at the age of 5 happens to bad girls?

Granddaddy will spank you with the leather belt. Red marks on your legs and butt.

The Preacher says God will punish you and you will go to hell, eternal fire.

I merged the two when I was little.

When my granddaddy whipped my baby brother who was not yet three years old, and made me watch, I vowed with all the power in my baby diva soul that I would never be a bad girl. I would always be a good girl!

And then I ran and hid in the closet behind my grandmother's dresses.

It was a revelation.

That's why I am telling you. I am outing myself. I am letting my unconscious mind know that I don't need to hide. Hiding won't keep me safe.

I can remain silent or go into hiding so I won't make a mistake, screw up, fail, crash and burn, or be a “bad girl” who breaks the rules and gets a spanking.

Here's the thing.

When I have stepped out in a big way, I have fallen hard. I have failed. I have made mistakes that were so out of alignment with who I am that I can't even believe it happened. But it did.

Gay Hendricks calls it “the Upper Limit Problem” in his great book, The Big Leap.

I was making sure my inner five year old did not get too big for her britches, and step out of line.

The thing I realized is that I have already failed many times. I have been called out many times. I have screwed up many times. It hurts. It's embarrassing. I feel shame. I hide.

I realize that every time I take a step into the spotlight, I am triggering the fear of “Don't be bad, don't get in trouble, don't let granddaddy (or god) find out... “

Don't get caught, because then you will be punished and humiliated.

I was doing my best to be a Good Girl.

This is the problem with being a Good Girl.

If...
I desire to fulfill my purpose, heal my lineage and heal my own life,
I desire to create a life that thrills and delights me,
I desire to be of real service to women and to the earth,
I desire to have what I desire....

I better catch myself when I am having an “upper limit problem.” I better see when that upper limit is coming grab me by the ankle and take me down, or send me running to the big walk-in closet to hide behind the winter coats.

Feel the feelings and raise my voice in truth anyway.

I can do it, and so can you.

When we women raise our voices...

It is dangerous.

because

WE are Dangerous.

The World needs our dangerous voices now.