Woman Wakes Up After 30 Years of Bad Sex
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What a woman feels like after 30 years of bad sex!
Once upon a time, Dan Savage, of Savage Love, published a letter from a woman who touched my heart, because her story was a lot like mine.
“We were raised to wait for sex till we got married—this was back in the early '80s—and we did. Our wedding night was pretty disappointing since neither of us knew what we were doing. He got off, but I didn't. We both assumed that there was something wrong with me, because he didn't have any problem coming, right?”
She's writing to Dan 30 years later, because after 20 years of counseling and reading books, she'd never had an orgasm, and she resigned herself to feeling that something was wrong with her, that she was lousy in bed, defective.
Then she got a vibrator, and discovered there is nothing wrong with her! Orgasms at last! Except for when she was having sex with her husband. She's faced with a dilemma, and is considering the possibility of an affair, a high risk option, because
“I don't really want a divorce, because it means losing the entire life we've built together, which is no small thing. But when I think about never having good sex in my entire life, I can hardly stand it. What would you do?”
Dan tells her what he would do, and about 100 other commenters tell her what she should do. Read it if you like.
I love this letter because I see the story of a woman awakening to her power in midlife.
At first the woman's problem appears to be about sex, but there are clues that there is a lot more going on for her. I know because I have been there, and I talk to women every day who are navigating these rapids of change in their own lives.
The stage was set in her youth, when she and her husband were given no tools, only rules, to take to their marriage bed.
Because she didn't climax with penetration, she and her husband assumed there was something wrong with her.
Such assumptions can be self-fulfilling. Though they tried to solve “her” problem with counseling and books, they couldn't find the solution because they were trying to solve the wrong problem.
It was not her problem, it was their problem. Everyone involved assumed that she needed fixing, couldn't be fixed, or it wasn't that important to fix her lack of orgasms.
Now that she's discovered her orgasm:
She thinks her libido may be stronger than her husband's. This is a sign of her power unleashed.
She knows nothing is wrong with her, and she is not willing to put up with bad sex anymore.
She is becoming an activist, speaking out against “waiting for marriage.” (at least in private)
She is on the verge of feeling her anger – she can't stand the thought of never having great sex.
Her new found sexuality is so important to her she is considering an affair to get her needs met.
For most of her life, this woman has believed a lie about herself: that she was flawed in some essential way. Not only has she missed out on fulfilling sex, she's probably put the lid on a lot of her other gifts, desires, ambitions.
When you believe for 30 years that there is something wrong with you, it sucks the life out of you. It's like a chronic inflammation that saps energy and steals your potential.
This woman's life just got a lot bigger, and everything is on the table: her belief system, her values, her marriage, and her sense of her own possibility.
When her doors were flung open, her husband's life was turned upside down, though he may not see it yet.
The wife he expected to stay the same forever just changed.
Her husband will be wise to celebrate her new-found power and make it his number one ambition to please her in bed. If he is unwilling to let himself be changed and show up for her, he may find himself divorced.
When a woman wakes up in midlife, one thing is true: as her life changes, so does everyone else's.
What she once tolerated becomes intolerable. What were dreams deferred are now passions. All assumptions are questioned, all agreements come up for review. Relationship contracts may have to be renegotiated. Her midlife awakening may precipitate a midlife crisis in her partner. Her family members may criticize her. Her children may wonder where their mother went.
When a woman refuses to tolerate bullshit, everyone in her orbit gets to grow into a better, more exciting, more adventurous, and authentic life!
Coming alive to midlife sexuality and orgasm is the gateway. Enrollment is now open for Sex After Menopause 8 week immersion. Click the button for more info.